I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
