I got her a Nickelback box set.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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