my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
