you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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