Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
