i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
