All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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