you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
