Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
