And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
