It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
