So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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