Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
