last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize