I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
