Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
