i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
