last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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