All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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