So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
