woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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