I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Randomize
