shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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