dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
