I am puke
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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