I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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