May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
