Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
