Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
