I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
