A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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