he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
