Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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