Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
