I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
