I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
