i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
