i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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