I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
