The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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