dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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