textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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