have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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