she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
