and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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