I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
