You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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