Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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