I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
