my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
