Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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