Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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