Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
