I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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