fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
