FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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