my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
