It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i want to swaddle you in tequila
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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