Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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