Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
