Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
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I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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