Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
