weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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