if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
