i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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