You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
