tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
