Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Randomize
