there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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