If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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